Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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