i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
