Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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