what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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