My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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