dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
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