You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
