He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize