Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
