proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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