So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
