my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
