My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
