I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
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No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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