Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
