So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Found your dick twin last night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
