I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
