remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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