i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I lost the right to judge tonight
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
