ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
