This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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