I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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