Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
