thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
