If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
