I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
