I cannot find my penis.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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