I hate your face
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
