I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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