when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
