I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
In other news, I just burned my penis
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
