DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
