I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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