I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
