hotel room ftw
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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