GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
