and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
