Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
