It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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