I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
