My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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