I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
