Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
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She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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