Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
