Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
