i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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