I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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