im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
