I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
it glows. i had to have it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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