Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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