Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
