Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
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Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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