mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
