Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He did a backflip because drugs
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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