The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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