You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
