How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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