I just pynch a tree in the face
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
