I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
