before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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