I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
