Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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