I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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