The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
