I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
